Dimension

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Dimensions

Red Dwarf - Wikiquote. Red Dwarf (1. 98. BBC Sci- Fi/Comedy television show set on a fictional mining spaceship, the Red Dwarf of the show's title, three million years after radiation killed most of the crew. The main characters are: Holly, the computer. Dave Lister, the only human survivor, whom Holly released from stasis. Arnold Rimmer, a hologram of Lister's former superior.

The Cat, the last known member of a race of humanoids evolved from Lister's cat. Kryten (series II onwards), a mechanoid originally from the Nova 5 whom Lister rebuilt. Kristine Kochanski (series VII - Back to Earth), A version of Lister's former girlfriend from a parallel universe. Unless otherwise noted, these quotes are from show creators Rob Grant and/or Doug Naylor. Red Dwarf I: Series I?

Dimension Films

Shut up and push the trolley. Rimmer: ? You walked in there, wrote . Peterson told me. Rimmer: . You said you were a fish! Todhunter: There are 1.

You, Rimmer, are over one man. Why can't you two get on?

Lister: You see, I try, sir. I'm not an insubordinate man by nature.

I try and respect Rimmer and everything but it's not easy, 'cos he's such a smeghead! Rimmer: Did you hear that, sir? Lister, do you have any conception of the penalty for describing a superior technician as a smeghead?

Todhunter: . You are a smeghead! Captain Hollister: Just one more thing before we start the disco, Holly tells me he's sensed a non- human life form on- board. Lister: Sir, it's Rimmer!

Lister: You wanted to see me, Captain? Captain Hollister: Where's the cat? Lister: What? What cat? Captain Hollister: Lister, not only are you so stupid you jeopardise every man and woman on this ship, not only that, you take a photo of yourself with the cat and send it to be processed in the ship's lab. Now, I'm going to ask you again. Have you got a cat? Lister: No. Captain Hollister(holding up a photo of Lister & Frankenstein): Have you got a cat?

Holly: They're all dead. Everybody's dead, Dave. Lister: Peterson isn't, is he? Holly: Everybody's dead, Dave! Lister: Not Chen! Holly: Gordon Bennett! Everybody's dead, Dave!

Lister: Rimmer? Holly: He's dead, Dave. Everybody is dead, Dave. Lister: Wait. Are you trying to tell me everybody's dead? Holly: Wish I never let him out in the first place.. Future Echoes. Even with an IQ of 6.

Rimmer: ! How's life in hippie heaven, you pregnant baboon- bellied space beatnik? What's the plan for the day, then?

Slobbing in the morning, followed by slobbing in the afternoon, then a bit of a snooze before the main evening's slob? God, you're a disgrace to the species. Let's get this over with. Why'd you have to bring Rimmer's hologram back? He was the most unpopular man on board this ship. I mean, he even had to organise his own surprise birthday parties! Holly: Who should I have brought back, then?

Lister: Anyone! I mean even Hermann G! I mean, ok, he was a drug crazed transvestite, but at least we could've gone dancing! Holly: Jean- Paul Sartre said Hell was being locked forever in a room with your friends. Lister: Holly, all his mates were French! Rimmer: What's this? They're illegal, matey! I'm afraid you're in very serious, grave, deep trouble, Lister.

Where did you get them? I want names, I want places, I want dates. Lister: Arnold Rimmer, his locker, this morning. Rimmer: We're mates!

We're pals! Lister: When? Rimmer: Oh, come on, Lister! American Satan there. Chuckle, guffaw, giggle.

That's Rimsy and Listy! Lister: When? Rimmer: Millions of times. Lister: When? Rimmer: Ah.. We laughed then, didn't we? Lister: I cracked me spine in three places. Rimmer: Yes, but it was hilarious! We laughed like drains!

Lister: You laughed, I spent six weeks in traction. Rimmer: And you spent the rest of the summer walking around like a croquet hoop! I laughed so hard I nearly puked.. Waiting For God. Left his previous job as a supermarket trolley attendant after ten years because he didn't want to get tied down to a career. Promotion prospects: zero. If it's not worth doing, give it to Rimmer. He aches for responsibility, yet constantly fails the Astro- navigation exam.

Astoundingly zealous, possibly mad; probably has more teeth than brain cells. Promotion prospects: comical.? I'd hardly call eleven times . No, it would be a rare, nay, freak occurrence. Possibly mad? Lister: .

Give me a Red Dwarf.. Garbage Pod! Holly, did Rimmer ever work in waste disposal? Holly: No, Dave. Lister: It's one of our old Red Dwarf garbage pods with the writing burnt off in places. Why didn't you tell him, Hol? Holly: Well, it's a laugh, innit? Lister: I mean, what kind of holy writ is this, Rimmer? MY CONCERNS ARE SLIGHTLY MORE IMPORTANT THAN WHAT KIND OF STUPID, SMEGGING CARDBOARD HAT I'M WEARING!

I'M TRYING TO DECIPHER THIS! THIS IS SCIENCE, LADDIE! You can smirk, Lister, but I believe the Quagaars! Lister: ! I believe the Quagaars'll have the technology to give me a new body! Lister: Never mind this tot, where's the Cat? Rimmer: ! WE'LL SEE HOW TOTTY THIS IS, LADDIE, THE QUARANTINE PERIOD'S NEARLY UP! I've eaten five times, I've slept six times, and I've made a lot of things mine.

Tomorrow, I'm gonna see if I can't have sex with something! S- E- X, I'm gonna get it! Another great idea from the people who brought you beer milkshakes! Lister: Hang on, hang on. Are you saying you never became an officer because you shared your quarters with someone who hummed? Rimmer: Obviously not just that, Lister.

Everything you ever did was designed to hold me back and annoy me. Lister: Like what? Rimmer: Like using my mother's photograph as an ashtray. Lister: I didn't know! I thought it was a souvenir from Titan Zoo. Lister: Yo, I didn't know you had any medals. What are they for?

Rimmer: Three years long service. Six years long service. Nine years long service..

Twelve years long service. Rimmer: Swapping my toothpaste for a tube of contraceptive jelly. Lister: C'mon, that was a joke! Rimmer: Yes Lister, the same kind of joke as putting my name on the waiting list for experimental pile surgery. Rimmer: STOP YOUR FOUL WHINING, YOU FILTHY PIECE OF DISTENDED RECTUM! Cat: ! Attention all lady cats! I am feeling very very sexy!

Can you hear me, lady cats? My body is available! Cat: ! We're talking mega ecstasy bliss! I can hum as loud as I like, as long as I like! And you see those socks? They're going right where they belong, all over the floor where any self- respecting bachelor would keep 'em! I'm gonna have the bottom bunk, the big bunk!

I'm gonna leave the top off the shampoo. I'm gonna squeeze the toothpaste right from the middle! In fact I'm gonna do all the things that drove him bonkers! I'm gonna crack me knuckles, I'm gonna grind me teeth, I'm gonna live for a change!

I had only been with the company FOURTEEN YEARS. Six officers and me.. I didn't know that gazpacho soup was meant to be served cold. I called over the chef and told him to take it away and bring it back hot! I thought they were laughing at the chef, when all the time they were laughing at me as I ate my piping hot gazpacho soup!

I never ate at the Captain's table again. That was the end of my career. If only they'd mentioned it in basic training! Instead of having us climbing up and down ropes and crawling on your elbows through tunnels- -if only just ONCE they would've mentioned that gazpacho soup was served cold- -I would've been an admiral by now!.

I am, let's face it.. I never got off the bottom rung, and do you know why? It's because I didn't have the right nobby parents! I'll bet Todd Hunter was fed gazpacho soup as soon as he was on solids! No, I'll bet he was breast- fed on it!

One side gazpacho soup, the other side freely- dispensed chilled champagne! Red Dwarf II: Series II. It's probably nothing but I just thought I'd mention it. Rimmer: Aliens. Lister: Oh God, aliens.. Your explanation for anything slightly peculiar is aliens, isn't it? You lose your keys - it's aliens. A picture falls off the wall - it's aliens.

That time we used up a whole bog roll in a day, you thought that was aliens as well! Rimmer: Well, we didn't use it all, Lister. Who did? Lister: Rimmer, aliens used our bog roll? Rimmer: Just 'cos they're aliens, doesn't mean they don't have to visit the little boys' room. Although they probably do something weird and alien- esque, like it comes out of the top of their heads or something.

Lister: Well, I wouldn't like to be stuck behind one in a cinema! Holly: Hope they've got a few odds and sods on board. We're a bit short on a few supplies. Lister: Like what? Holly: Cow's milk. Ran out of that yonks ago.

Fresh and dehydrated. Lister: What kind of milk are we using now? Holly: Emergency back- up supply. We're on the dog's milk.

Lister: . Full of goodness, full of vitamins, full of marrowbone jelly. Lasts longer than any other type of milk, dog's milk. Lister: Why? Holly: No bugger'll drink it. Plus, of course, the advantage of dog's milk is that when it goes off, it tastes exactly the same as when it's fresh. Lister: Why didn't you tell me, Holly?

Holly: What, and spoil your tea?! What have you done to the place? Kryten: I've done a spot of tidying up. Lister: But where is everything? Where's me coffee cup with the mould in it? Kryten: I threw it away, sir.

Lister: But I was breeding that mould! I was trying to get him two foot high! Kryten: Why, sir? Lister: Because it drives Rimmer nuts! And driving Rimmer nuts is what keeps me going. Cat: You'd never get a cat to be a servant.

You ever see a cat return a stick? You threw the stick, you go get it yourself!

If you wanted the stick so bad, why'd you throw it away in the first place? His name's Rimmer, or 'smeghead', or 'dinosaur- breath', or 'molecule- mind', or on rare occasions when you wanna be really mega- polite to him, and we're talking mega polite here, on those exceptional circumstances you can call him 'arsehole'. Better Than Life!

Everyone thought the lamb was the cheese! And that Lemon Meringue Pie, man, what was in that? Rimmer: I thought you liked that! You bought some back.

Lister: Yeah I wanted to try some out on my Athlete's Foot! Cat: I'm so hungry. I just have to eat! Lister: Shh.. Rimmer's dad's died.

Cat: I'd prefer chicken.